As the people of Ireland head to the ballot boxes to cast their votes on whether to legalise same-sex marriage I am forced to consider the impact that these crazy-in-love homosexuals have had since it all became legal in the UK (with the exception of Northern Ireland, naturally).
So how has gay marriage ruined my own my own marital harmony? Some of the arguments against it are surprisingly convincing . . .
- Marriage is, and has always been, a covenant between a man and a woman. You cannot change this definition without undermining the entire wonderful concept.
How on earth can I be expected to call myself a married woman if there are gay people out there daring to think their relationships have as much value as mine? Society and Disney are on my side so I must have a point.
Every person who has ever been married will tell you that your wedding day is step one to your happy-ever-after. Unless they’ve been divorced. Or domestically abused. Or in an unhappy marriage. Or married to a human person.
- It violates natural law.
Gay people aren’t able to get themselves accidentally pregnant; this has been decreed by nature and should therefore be respected. Just like disease. Nature wants you to die from an antibacterial infection so just take it like a man all you nature haters.
Marriage is for making babies so back off all you gays/infertiles/career-cravers/crazies who believe in freedom of choice.
- Homosexuality is morally wrong – we can’t condone it.
I don’t want to get down and dirty with another woman so how on earth can these people not be immoral? Why can’t they all just choose the same life I have because everything makes sense to me that way.
Sometimes I lie awake at night unable to have sex with my husband because I can’t stop crying about all the gay love going on out there.
- If it’s legal people in the business of marrying folk are going to have to cater to this craziness.
What’s the point in religious institutions if they aren’t able to weed out and discriminate the rotten eggs in our society? They have no record whatsoever of immoral activity. Not on the scale of two people of the same sex loving each other anyway.
If my local priest ends up being forced to marry two gay guys he’ll probably cry himself to sleep and also not be able to have sex with his wife that night just worrying about how he’s spreading homosexuality with his liberalness and equality law obedience.
- Think of the children!
Next thing you know these gay folk are going to think they have the right to foster or adopt and that surrogacy is OK. How will these children feel that their parents are both the same gender? Everyone knows kids can only be happy growing up with a Mummy and Daddy who stay married forever or they get terribly sad until the day they die (don’t get smart you trans lot).
Oh yeah, apart from kids with experience of divorced parents/a single parent/parents with an unhappy marriage/one deceased parent /adoption/fostering/domestic abuse. These things may all have a traumatic effect on a child but there is a way back and the opportunity to have a happy adulthood with a bit of luck. Not like finding out your two Daddy’s love each other and like to cuddle – there is no coming back from something like that.
Sometimes I wish I had never got married because when you find out what marriage means to some people you start to question why you wanted to do it in the first place. I’m a member of a club that I didn’t know I was joining. I was just in it for the party and the celebration of love hippy stuff but I seem to have bought into something a little more sinister.